Regrets?
by Eira
Summary: Celegorm reflects over his feelings for Luthien after beeing cast out of Nargothrond


Disclaimer: My first fanfiction ever so please be nice! English is not my first languish so please have patience with my bad spelling and grammar faults =) (and everything else that is really weird) Oh and nothing is mine everything belongs to JRR Tolkien (surprise, surprise!)  
  
The rain fell heavily from a dark gray sky. Curufin turned his eyes towards the clouds and let the rain splash against his pale, beautiful face. The wind made his long, dark brown hair float around him. Celegorm watched his younger brother with dislike written all over his face. "We should move on, once we get into the woods we should find some shelter from this damned weather." The younger elf turned his eyes from the sky towards his brother instead and smiled coldly. "Since when did you get that weak, brother? I thought the rain would make you pleased since it so well covers your tears for Luthien, or perhaps the tears are for Nargothrond?" Celegorm stared coldly at him for a moment before he turned his horse around and without a word left for the woods at the horizon. A mocking laughter followed him.  
  
It was hard to believe that they had once been close friends, sometimes Celegorm forgot about it, especially when his younger brother were in these kinds of moods. But he had been different back then, or was it only now he had seen through him? Only now seen the darkness that had been there all the time? That was an unpleasant thought, because if it was so, he himself must have been carrying all this darkness, and evil from the beginning. Somehow it made everything worse, knowing that they both always had been evil even before the oath had changed them into these greedy creatures that they now were.  
  
But he was wrong the brother of his, it was not for Nargothrond Celegorm wept inside. It was truly for Luthien. He would easily have given up the city just for being with her, talking with her, hearing her beautiful laugh. He had never felt like this before, for anyone, he had thought that he could not, it had felt like he was dead inside, so cold, so very cold. Once, a long time ago in Valinor, he had thought that he had loved Aredhel and that she had felt the same for him, but it had proved only to be an illusion. When they finally had sat down and talked it through and she confessed that she was not in love with him and never would be in the future, he had not even felt any disappointment, he had felt nothing at all. Yes, they loved each other but only as very close friends. It was back then he realized how empty he was. He had seen all of his brothers fall in love, even Curufin, to his and everyone else's surprise. And when the years passed by he felt more and more cold, always asking himself why he wasn't capable of falling in love. He had given up the hope of love a long time before they returned to Middle-Earth.  
  
But all that had changed during a hunt not that long ago. When he had met Her. From the moment his eyes first rested on her beautiful face, he loved her. Before he knew her name, he loved her. His heart almost broke when he realized who she was, and why she was travelling alone in this dangerous area without any protection. But he had hoped that she would forget about the mortal barbarian, who's name he did not even want to take into his mouth, he had thought that he could wait, eventually the mortal had to become old and gray and then die. And then he would be there for her. But she was the daughter of Thingol and the king didn't look kindly at the house of Feanor. Had she been anyone else he could have married her but no, not her, princess Luthien of Doriath. He could not understand how she could prefer a human, a mortal before him, or any other elf for that matter.  
  
He knew it had been wrong keeping her locked and hidden in their rooms but what else could he had done? Sending aid to the mortal and Finrod? There were no good reason to why he should have done that. The mortal would die so much sooner, and Luthien would forget about him and seek comfort with Celegorm. And if Finrod died and if he, with some help from the political cunning of his brother, somehow gained the throne of Nargothrond and restored the honor of his house, Thingol would be more likely to accept his proposal. If not for Huan. The betrayal had felt so hard, like a knife in the back, and he doubted he could ever forgive the hound. And then had everything happened so fast, Nargothrond quickly falling out of reach and everyone turning against them. He had cried for Luthien and it was the loss of her that was most painful, but still he had felt the shame, standing there alone in the great hall of Nargothrond being judged, like some traitor or criminal! And the only company he now had was his utterly despised brother, who acted like the fact that his only son had remained behind and wanted nothing to do with his father, like it didn't matter at all. But even though Curufin didn't say anything, Celegorm could feel the dark looks that was given him. It was you're fault we lost Nargothrond and Celebrimbor, if it were not for your pathetic obsession with Luthien, this never would have happened, those cold, cruel eyes seemed to say.  
  
The sky had begun turning darker when he finally reached the first trees. He held his horse and turned around, his gaze searched the plain behind him, but he could see no sign of Curufin. For a short moment he felt something. Worry? He had promised his mother that he would always take care of his younger brother, that nothing would harm him, so long time ago in Valinor, and he always had. Even when he had felt nothing but annoyance and despise, he had looking after Curufin. But then he shrugged, his brother was very well capable of taking care of himself, and right now he doubted he could stand the younger elf's empty talk and cruel words.  
  
He made a camp in a glade in the dark and compact forest, a small stream murmured slightly in the southern part of the glade and the softly sound made Celegorm think about other happier days of hunting in the beautiful forests of Aman. Suddenly he felt so tired, so very tired. He closed his eyes and fell instantly asleep. But the sleep gave him no rest, no oblivion. In his dream She came to him. He dreamed that Luthien sat on the ground leaning over the body of the mortal. Tears and agony in her such beautiful eyes, the eyes that he loved. When she turned her eyes towards him they were cold of hate and sorrow. Why, they seemed to ask. And he knew, that she would never forgive him his betrayal and that she would die of sorrow, should the mortal die. Was there anything more horrible than hate from your only true love? He did not think so. Then she disappeared, and instead, out of the mist came his cousin, Finrod. His eyes too were filled with hate and despise. "Kinslayer, betrayer, do you really believe you can ever escape or fulfill your oath? Don't you feel the doom of Mandos coming closer?" Celegorm flinched by the poison in Finrods voice. He tried to run away and the feeling of regret was so strong inside him that it felt like he could not breath. He finally woke up, shaking and with tears running down his cheeks. And a beautiful but cold laughter broke the silence and peace in the glade. "Bad dreams?" Curufin asked with a cruel smile. 


End file.
